Stressed Ramblings

My family and friends know I have been trying to make this decision about single motherhood. Its amazing how deafening the silence can be sometimes when you tell people. It's not unsupportive, but many times you can see or hear that they are questioning your sanity.

I talked to my brother about it yesterday. He was very supportive and asked me questions that had answers to. Then he threw in the money question - 'Can you afford it?'. And yes, I think I can. I'm stressed about the expense of adoption or IUI, etc. But unless I can find a friend to 'knock me up' as my gynecologist suggested when I started this a year ago, I don't think I have a choice. (Amazingly, a friend has offered his services, but I'm not sure he's thought through all the consequences...but its nice to possibly have that option too.)

So back to my stress about the money, is it irresponsible to put myself in debt to try to get pregnant? I have the money to raise a child, but it scares me to put out all the money for something that is not a sure thing. Adoption is expensive and more of a sure thing, but maybe that is the last resort...

How I Became That Girl

I've always thought that I'd end up having a baby on my own. I'm not sure why...Maybe I created my own fate when I repeatedly told people in my early 20's (possibly earlier) that I would have a baby on my on at 30 if I was still single and financially able to do it. At 30, I was still single, but I wasn't ready, emotionally or financially. The new goal year became 35, with me starting to try at 34.

At 34, I was a year out of a 2-year relationship that had left me feeling very betrayed and a little down in the dumps that I wasn't going to have a child by the time I was 35. I remembered, I had always said I would do it on my own. Financially, I was able. Emotionally, I was terrified, but started my journey in getting tests done to check my fertility. I'll talk about that process in a later blog, but ultimately once I learned the cost, I put the plan on hold for a little while and decided to let the universe do its thing. If it was meant to be, it would happen. (Though sometimes I wonder if the universe sent me to do the testing and I've now wasted valuable time...) A few months ago, I decided next summer I would start either the IVF process or adopt, but after yet another bad date, I'm thinking I may begin this January. Why wait?

I remember being younger (not that I feel I am old), and hearing about women reaching their mid-thirties and becoming almost desperate to have a baby. I will admit, I thought this whole idea of a biological clock was crazy. Well, now two days before my 35th birthday, I'm not saying I'm desperate, but I'm definitely impatient. Tick. Tick. Tick.