Post Cycle Blues

For the first time in a long time, I am really sad. I don't think it's because I'm not pregnant this time. I've never thought that it would take one of the first few times...not really sure when I think it will, but had never expected to be a one time wonder. I'm not sure if it's because I'm a little lonely - that I know I am right now. Or that I'm very confused about my relationship with one of my best male friends. Confused, yet content...does that make any sense? Or maybe I'm just a little blue.

I know I have stuff to think out. So much stuff that I'm not really sure what it is. It's like this big ball of pieces of colored string bundled together and I need to start pulling each apart and figure out where each came from. Just pulling a few apart this is the thought process in my head...getting pregnant...IUI #3 in August...I need more vials...do I use the same donor with no pregnancies...or do I try someone new with success (that wasn't there 6 months ago)...then there was yet another offer to donate the old fashioned way...No, it really doesn't feel right...stick to the plan...New topic...weddings weddings everywhere. Very happy for everyone. But really don't feel like celebrating. Must go. Must be there for friends....New topic...Going home...ahh...that lifts my spirits a bit...mom...family...friends...there's no place like home...New topic...The friend...friends...more???...do I want it?...does he want it?...What am I thinking!?...just adding complication...things are fine now...but what about if he meets someone...what about when I meet someone...really just leave things as they are...but, what if?...just stick to the plan...New topic...Damn plan...Argh! :)

In the past few years, yoga has been my retreat to figure it all out. I actually find myself resisting the mat these days. It's interesting, because I know why. The moment I go to the mat, is the moment this ball is going to unwind. The unwinding is so therapeutic and ultimately feels great, but I just don't have the time right now. If I heard one of my student's saying this to me, I'd tell them it is always important to find time for ourselves. I will. I promise. Just not right now. :)